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| Everything now I have that is perceived as very fine by other people... Is not, for me.
I'm not happy.
I feel like I'm back to the scenario of making the big decision between resitting A Level and taking the foundation course. That time I chose it right, and my life changed.
But this time?
I don't know which option to take. Any step I take will potentially change my future. I'm scared... Yet nobody can help me because a decision only I can take.
Aih.
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| I visioned my goal, but I can feel them now. Do dreams really come true? :)
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| So we all gotta grow up.
Afterthought: Today, I'll remember. For all the shit that had happened, I am grateful that I learned and am stronger now. I just did something I never believe that I could do. In hindsight, no matter how ugly things were, I know it is for the better. I'll come out of this tougher.
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| I hope I'll be tomorrow.
Organising an event is like a huge emotional roller-coaster ride, right now I'm at the peak, stressing out on the fall ahead on me and what comes after that - after all the hard effort I put in. Doing this taught me how fragile words can be, how people whom I regarded as friends made empty promises and then let me down, and how hard it is when expectations aren't met.
Yesterday I texted a friend to ask for his support for my event. I'm not used to looking for people only when I need them so I wrote, "please do know I'm asking because I genuinely want you to come." He called. We talked for an hour or so and it suddenly hit me, I actually do gain something amidst all the stress and disappointment. It felt really good to talk to a friend who has no intentions and is so wise to give his thoughts on matters I felt a bit lost at. Thank you so much. The phone call made my day. :)
So forget about what will happen tomorrow. I'll try my best to make the most out of what we have, I know no matter what, I still win a lesson and I hope, some friendships.
P/s: Autumn is almost over, but this little boy whom I sheepishly took a picture of with the iPhone made me realised for the first time, how cute maple leaves are.
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| Let's talk about now. I've been catching up on stories of the summer, which unfortunately I am not able to recall all the details already.
So yes, now.
I'm in the same room, wearing the same pyjamas - only that it looks shabbier, just like last year, I'm staying in on one of those Saturday nights. But I feel different. One and a half month in London so far, I've been amazed so many times.
You know when you were 13, and you felt that 20 is such a big and wise age? Being 20 now, I don't feel as close to being wise. But now, I think I found someone. Someone 20, someone who's wise, someone who's smart, someone who's like what I thought 20 is supposed to be when I was young. Not to mention, a very good friend too. I'm learning so much from him, from the tiniest thing like adding little malay terms like "kot" at the end of my sentence, to major things like how I decided to change myself for the better. London so far wouldn't have been so significant without this Malaysian.
I have friends telling me that they are reading The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari now, and I'm so happy for them. One of the most powerful phrases in the book was, "do things that you fear to do." That's sort of my mantra this year. It is actually more like, "do good things that you fear to do." I signed up to be a crew of a musical production of another university, however later decided that I'm missing my choir days and this is it. Now or never. Hence, I'm now a happy chorus member committed to singing thrice a week. In fact I just had my first rehearsal on Thursday and good things happened! I still remember how reluctant I was to go to the audition alone, how much is the lack of belief in self I had before trying out for the cast and how contented I was after I did what I wanted but was afraid to do.
Then there was this time of the year, I just arrived London for the second time and was all fresh and determined to find any career opportunity available. I swiftly registered for a career evening with an investment bank and other companies I wasn't familiar with. So Tuesday came, I was all worn out from 7 hours of learning difficult maths, and I almost chickened out. I was lazy, I was trying to take the easy route out to just relax and sleep at home, but the better side of me convinced myself to stay.
Halfway through the seminar, I was listening uninterestingly to the topic of accounting qualifications, playing with the free pens and brochures which I have collected in an abundance by the high frequency of my attendance to career events. Yes I almost regretted coming. Suddenly, I heard some noise outside the room. Wait, it's a stretch of overwhelming scream. I was nervous and thought, does the uni do psychological research on mental patients? Why do these people sound like them? The next thing I know is people banging and pulling the doors. The securities and event staffs attempted to stop them, but to no avail. They got hold of the door and barged into the room. At that moment, everything paused. I saw their eyes... They were wide-opened, in the scariest way. They have a distorted determination in it, and the eyes screamed 'I have nothing to lose.' Then, everything became a mess. Flashing red cards were flying across the room, and a woman snatched the mic from the presenter, "EON energy has killed many people, they charge exorbitant prices and sacked thousands of people, now they are building another coal power station. DO NOT waste your talent at EON!" After many rounds of yelling "EON f off!", they finally left. I was completely stunned. I couldn't believe the extent of the things that people would do when they were forced to desperation, but what affected me the most is the look I saw in their eyes when they rushed into the room. They were... crazy. This leaves me a lot to think about, maybe the energy company has gone too far without consideration, but I believe it isn't a wise thing for the protestors to waste their time and effort to intrude into the company's events. There's got to be a better way to raise awareness, no?
So doing things that you're reluctant or fear to do are not that bad after all. I wish I can continue but right now I really need to catch up on a whole week of sleep, so good night everyone. I'll be around soon.
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